


more than you'll ever know

by withdream



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:33:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29509068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/withdream/pseuds/withdream
Summary: Donghyuck is ready to call it a night, content with feeling Renjun’s warmth beside him, but it seems like his boyfriend has another idea in mind.“What do you like about me?”
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan
Comments: 8
Kudos: 81





	more than you'll ever know

**Author's Note:**

> renhyuck is giving me all the feels lately, and as much as i enjoy pining!donghyuck, i also need sappy boyfriends with silly banters just before bedtime.

Figuring out people has always been easy for Donghyuck. Knowing what makes them smile from ear to ear, or what makes them tick never ever takes any effort for him. Donghyuck knows when to offer a smile, a light tap on the back or give words of encouragement when the situation calls for it.

Donghyuck is good at making people feel at ease, at reassuring his friends in trouble, at making his loved ones secure in his presence.

But this isn’t like any of that.

This is Renjun we’re talking about.

And this…Donghyuck isn’t good at this. _Not yet._

Renjun is comfortable draping himself over Donghyuck’s torso, effectively making his boyfriend as a pillow late at night. He hooks their fingers together so that Donghyuck absentmindedly roves circles over the skin of his knuckles, curling one leg around one of his, limbs in tangle, and silently falling asleep in each other’s company.

Donghyuck is ready to call it a night, content with feeling Renjun’s warmth beside him, but it seems like his boyfriend has another idea in mind.

“What do you like about me?”

Donghyuck cracks open an eye, a scowl forming on his face at his interrupted almost slumber, but it melts away instantly when he sees the look on Renjun. He sees the uncertainty in his gaze, and the insecurity probably forming in his boyfriend’s mind with the way his mouth forms into a pout.

Donghyuck knows that this time, it isn’t a question meant to tease, It’s not _tell me how much you adore me because I like it when you shower me with praise_ but more of _please tell me why you love me because I honestly don’t know why any would_.

“There’s plenty.” He answers, unconsciously pulling Renjun closer to him in the process.

“Donghyuck-ah,” Renjun whines. He props up his head, chin resting on Donghyuck’s chest, and watches him closely through his lashes. “You have to include details!”

“There’s just too many.”

Donghyuck thinks that might appease Renjun, might finally convince him to drop the subject.

Renjun likes grand, public declarations of love that would make anyone in sight wish they aren’t single, but it’s always the subtle hints that show he’s being taken care of that puts him at ease best.

However, he gets into these moods more often lately, flashes of insecurity taking over him that makes his self-confidence crumble, and Donghyuck is still learning how to soothe Renjun’s trouble away, so he won’t think about them again.

There’s a quiet lull between them and Donghyuck thinks Renjun will finally let the both of them sleep considering they’re scheduled for a lot of interviews tomorrow.

“It’s okay! I’m not sleepy yet and our first interview isn’t set until ten in the morning.” Renjun presses, excitement evident with the way his tone changes.

“Are you…serious?” Donghyuck asks weakly, drowsiness already abandoning him.

The pause between them is expectant; the kind that means Renjun will not drop the subject anytime soon unless Donghyuck cooperates. Donghyuck sighs, deeply regretting allowing Renjun to eat chocolate ice cream earlier after they finished dinner.

“Fine,” Donghyuck relents after saying a short prayer in his head.

“First off, I like- “

“Hold on! Wait!” He’s suddenly interrupted and Renjun purses his lips in contemplation. “I’d like to establish some rules first.”

“There are _rules_? Renjun – “

“Nuh-uh,” Renjun shakes his head, “I don’t want to hear any complaints since you agreed. Well, rule number one, you can’t mention anything about my looks. We both know _everyone_ loves the way I look.” He pauses to fix a strand of hair obscuring his right eye, and then proceeds to wink at Donghyuck.

“I wasn’t even planning on saying anything about your looks.” Donghyuck rolls his eyes, but he can’t help but smile at the other’s antics. “I know what you look like in the morning, unkempt hair, and drool falling from your mouth… I wake up next to you daily, remember?”

Renjun glares at him, visibly considers kicking him out of their bed, but decides continuing is more important. “I’d like to believe our love is more than skin deep.” He huffs, “so I expect reasons that are more than just physical.”

Donghyuck pats Renjuns head softly in surrender, “Alright, alright. You don’t have to be so grumpy.”

“Second, repeating answers is not allowed.”

“ _Of course_.”

“Rule number three! If I decide the reason you give me is not good enough, I have the right to demand that you think of a better one. Either you boost your original answer to make it more convincing, or think of a brand new reason.”

Donghyuck looks at him flatly and Renjun cheekily smiles at him in response.

“Last, but definitely not the least, and the most important of all the rules,” Renjun’s voice drops and he meets Donghyuck’s eyes seriously, his face devoid of any emotion. “If I feel like at any point you’re hesitating voicing out your reason, then…” Renjun halts, plays with the collar of Donghyuck’s shirt, no longer meeting his eyes. His breath comes out in a puff, shaky and almost afraid. “I take it as a sign that you don’t love me anymore.”

Donghyuck’s mouth falls agape, “ _What?_ ”

Renjun does not speak for a while and Donghyuck clutches him so tightly, Renjun might break. But he already looks like he might do so all on his own, suddenly so weak, and fragile in his arms. Donghyuck does not understand how this simple game Renjun initiated had turned into a question of his love and a test of their relationship.

Donghyuck’s eyebrows creased. Did something happen? Did he accidentally read some malicious comments on his social media accounts?

“Renjun…” he begins.

His boyfriend beats him to it though, suddenly smiley all over and back to his usual self.

“Okay!” he practically shouts cheerily, “Those are the rules. Don’t give me that look. I know you love me so so _so_ much so you’ll be fine, right?"

Donghyuck stares at him intently, trying to gauge whether the smile Renjun gives him is fake or genuine, but it’s impossible to tell when Renjun has gotten better at hiding his true emotions, and that worries Donghyuck a lot.

There really is no other way, Donghyuck realizes, than to give in to Renjun’s whims and prove himself.

“You’re going to regret challenging me, then.” Donghyuck huffs confidently, tangling a few fingers into Renjun’s hair and scratching his scalp. He can faintly hear Renjun sighing in satisfaction with his ministrations.

“I’m ready when you’re ready!” Renjun grins hazily, pleased by the answer, and wags his finger widely in the air in anticipation.

Donghyuck absentmindedly plays with Renjun’s silky locks for a moment, simply staring at the ceiling in concentration. Remembering the heavy atmosphere a minute ago, he feels like they need to start in a good note.

“I like…” Donghyuck begins. “I like how well you sing –“

“Hold on! _Hold on!_ ” Renjun abruptly interrupts, poking Donghyuck’s nose and curling out his own bottom lip. “I cannot believe you! Not even one reason out and you’re forcing me to add another rule. Mentions of my singing career is not allowed.”

Donghyuck suddenly wants to rip off his hair, “ _Why_?”

He was so confident Renjun would be happy with him talking about how good of a singer he is.

Renjun hesitantly taps Donghyuck’s nose this time and his voice is soft as he states, “I already know you love the _me_ who sings. Just as much as I love the performer in _you_ whenever you’re on stage.” A small smile curls his lips despite the sappy things he’d said and Donghyuck has to look away.

“All right, fine,” he relents semi-reluctantly, and then goes back to staring at the ceiling.

Somehow it feels like the pressure’s gone now, and he’s reassured that one mistake wouldn’t mean Renjun will disturb Jisung at this hour, calling him to complain about how Donghyuck doesn’t love him anymore.

“I like how considerate you are,” he decides, because it feels safe. “I watched your relay cam you know, how much you want to light your scented candles, but you are aware how Jisung doesn’t like them, so you opt to light the unscented ones instead. How you stock up on candies because you know Jeno has a sweet tooth.” And it’s the truth, because despite how easily frustrated Renjun can be sometimes, _oftentimes_ , he always makes it a point to make sure his members are comfortable in his presence.

“I didn’t know you’d be so attentive.” Renjun teases, but he also holds up his next finger and declares, “All right. I’ll accept that, but only because I never knew you watched my relay cam! Onto reason number two, then.”

“How many reasons do you want, exactly?”

Renjun grins at him, “Until I’m satisfied.”

More tension eases off Donghyuck’s shoulders as he realizes this game isn’t as daunting as he’d thought it would be. He’s not even embarrassed – _as embarrassed_ – at finally voicing out the reasons he likes Renjun, because the thought of making a mistake and upsetting him weighs much heavier in his mind.

“Uh, right.” He clears his throat, thinking. “Okay, um, I like…” And suddenly he’s blushing, ears and cheeks burning red, as he forces out the words so blunt and honest that they’re embarrassing. “I-I like the way you hum and skip a little when you walk, because, well, it’s…” _Cute_ , he wants to say, but the word gets stuck in his throat.

Renjun chuckles in delight, taking the red shell of his ear into his hand and tugging on it playfully. “Don’t be so embarrassed! You’re making me shy. You should be able to say these things clearly to your boyfriend, don’t you think?”

“You’re not making it easier,” Donghyuck hisses through gritted teeth, painfully aware of the warmth across his cheeks.

“Would it help if I stayed quiet and let you do your thing?” Donghyuck nods his head once and Renjun sighs in understanding, holding up another finger. “Okay, I’ll pretend I’m mute then, and you move on to reason three.”

“O… kay.” He breathes out slowly. “I-I like how much you like hotpot, because you always look really happy when you’re eating it.” Renjun always hums cheerily as he and gobbles down on his food and Donghyuck likes smirking affectionately and wiping the stains off the corner of his mouth with his thumb.

True to his words, Renjun remains silent, and simply holds up his fourth finger.

“I like that you put Moomin stickers all around the dorm, as if you’re a fairy leaving fairy dust everywhere you go to prove your existence or a reminder that _‘Renjunnie was here’_.” Donghyuck can remember vividly the first time he saw a Moomin sticker in one of their kitchen cabinets and think nothing of it. But when he saw it everywhere, on Jeno’s drawers, on Jaemin’s laptop, on Chenle’s air pods case, he can’t help but stare at it fondly because he knows Renjun’s the one behind all the Moomins scattered in their dorm. It’s like finding hidden mickeys, and Donghyuck enjoys the search every time.

The thumb darts out.

“I like that… you look so confident dancing to Lionheart –”

“Oh?” Renjun perks up, looking hopeful. “Does that mean you also like how I dance to it, as Chenle would describe it, _sexily_?”

“God, _no_.” He rolls his eyes. “But…” It’s nice, seeing how Renjun looks so unrestrained, so free, so _him_ , when he’s dancing.

“What?” Renjun face falls. “Maybe I shouldn’t count that one, because I’m really not feeling the love this time.”

“For god’s sake…” Donghyuck had forgotten about that stupid third rule. Sighing heavily, he says, “It’s more like…I like seeing you be yourself more. I know you have an image to uphold when you’re in front of your fans so you’re careful when we’re outside. But when you dance, it’s as if you’re a brand-new person and what’s important in those moments is that you’re enjoying every bit of it.”

“Hmmm, okay, I’ll accept that since it’s not every day that you admit you like it when I dance.” Renjun shuffles around a bit to extract his other hand out from their embrace, to hold up six fingers. “I’ll have you say you like how I dance to it sexily you try so hard to pretend you don’t notice…or mind.” He sticks out his tongue playfully.

Donghyuck rolls his eyes at how pleased Renjun looks with himself but decides now is not the time for a snappy retort. “Yeah, yeah, as long as you’re happy. Moving on. I… like that you’re always so unpredictable. Remember the birthday card you gave me when I turned eighteen? I was expecting a heartwarming message only to be greeted with a bland ‘Happy Birthday’.”

Renjun laughs, holding up another finger. “You have to agree though, I’m the world’s coolest, most handsome, most loyal, the one who brightens the world!”

Donghyuck huffs, pretends to be displeased, “I don’t want to continue anymore.”

“You agreed to play until I’m satisfied!”

“And you’re _mute_ ; you’re not supposed to talk.” Donghyuck says pointedly, pressing his thumb against Renjun’s forehead, like a softer version of a flick.

Renjun can’t argue with that so he simply holds up seven fingers.

For the next reason he decides, “I like that when your fans give you letters, you always accept and read each one of them.”

Renjun falters, wrinkles forming on his forehead, “You like that? Even though I also get letters from fanboys? They declare their undying devotion and love for me in those, mind you.”

Donghyuck grabs his nose and smiles affectionately. “ _Idiot._ Fans are fans regardless of gender and I know the love they have for you leans more towards admiration. If you were some jerk who’s picky with the kind of letters they receive from fans, do you think I’d like you at all?” It’s a roundabout way of saying, _I like you because you’re a nice person and you give time to your fans the same way they allot time for you_ , and he hopes Renjun understands. Maybe he does, because he seems way happier about the explanation he has given.

“I guess I’ll let that slide.” Renjun proclaims. “Next!”

Donghyuck allows himself to smirk this time, amused by Renjun’s seemingly unending excitement reflecting on his face.

“I like you because…even if I tease you about your shoulders, you don’t really take offense with my remarks.”

Renjun smiles, “You like how my shoulders are because it’s easier for you to manhandle me from behind.”

Donghyuck nods in agreement, “Manhandle is such a strong word for back hug don’t you think? Are we still continuing?”

“It’s not even midnight.” Renjun whines.

“I like you because you took care of me really well when we have schedules. Especially those times when we have to stay awake for more than a day.”

 _Are you all right?_ Renjun would ask nervously, trying to look like he wasn’t worried at all. _Need some more hot packs to keep you warm? How about water? Food? You’re not going to pass out, are you?_

Renjun avoids Donghyuck’s gaze for a moment, “Should that count? That sounds like it’s getting dangerously close to my career as well. You know, my work ethics? You know the rules.” Donghyuck does not miss the red forming at the tips of Renjun’s ears. They both know those moments were the turning point of their relationship, how they begin to question if they care for each other as co-artists or something more than that.

“I like you…” Donghyuck carries on knowing he doesn’t need to explain himself, “…I like you because whenever your mother calls, you’re on the phone with her for _at least_ three hours. You always get excited when she calls because then you can share how much you miss her, what food we have on set, and if I manage to piss you off again after our schedules.”

“I won’t argue with that.” Renjun seems happy with the explanation, so he accepts without complaint. He starts to look more at ease now, Donghyuck notes, than when they start the game.

For the succeeding reason he begins with, “I like you because…” But somehow, as he thinks about what he wants to say, about how much he’s always admired him for it, about how much it’s shaped his feelings, it doesn’t seem like enough. He begins again, and he pretends not to notice the pleasant surprise on Renjun’s face as he says, “I love you… because of how you don’t take things for granted.” Their gazes clash more seriously than usual, the air between them dulling somewhat, as he adds, “I love how you’re so enamored with the world around you, how you stop on your tracks to take photos of the sunset, how you get so fascinated by the moon…I love the you who makes it seem like all these little things that most people ignore, matter.”

“…Wow,” Renjun murmurs, almost looking embarrassed. And it’s strange that he is, because for once, Donghyuck is not. “That’s five reasons in one go?”

“Stupid,” Donghyuck retorts, but it’s with obvious affection. He even ruffles Renjun’s hair. “Those were all part of number eleven.”

Renjun, for once, doesn’t have a comeback or a teasing remark to throw out; he just looks genuinely flattered, and Donghyuck decides to gently move on.

“I love you,” he says, “because of that one time I was on hiatus and you bombarded my phone with messages and missed calls every single day. I love you because then I know you care about me.”

Renjun simply looks at him, an expression of pure adoration adorning his face.

“I love you,” he adds next, “because of that day, during the ending ment of our last concert – and you didn’t want to worry the members by crying because everybody were already doing so – but then you can’t hold it in anymore so you went to where I was and let me lock you in embrace as you try to calm down.” Donghyuck witnessed how Renjun was trying to keep it altogether, as much as he wanted to approach him first, he knows it’s Renjun who has to make the first move. “I love you, because you allow yourself to depend on me.”

“Donghyuck-ah,” Renjun whispers, “I didn’t know you still have a lot to say at this point.”

“Of course, did you think I'll ran out of things to say?” he huffs, knocking a fist against the top of his head. _Because I love you, more than you'll ever know._

“I don’t know. I guess I thought…” Renjun’s breath hitches, the words sticking to his throat. He hesitates, chews on his bottom lip, stares at the wall. “You know how I attended a small family reunion recently?” he tells him out of the blue, still staring adamantly at the far wall. “My aunts and uncles were there and it’s all good. Until… they heard about you and me.”

Donghyuck freezes, gut coiling, feeling like he’s been punched. Something like ice pumps through his heart for how paralyzed he suddenly feels. “What did they say?” he asks, and his voice comes out clipped.

Renjun lowers his gaze. “Not much. J-Just… some stuff.”

“Renjun,” Donghyuck presses, now tightly holding him in his embrace. “What did they say?”

“I-I don’t know.” He swallows. “Something like it won’t last, or it’s not… real. I-I just wanted to be sure–” _That you really love me._

“I’m going to have a word with them,” Donghyuck declares to the room, the words hard like steel. “I’m going to tell Manager-hyung to clear my schedule–”

“Don’t!” Renjun insists, sounding panicked.

“Renjun, they fucking told you–”

“I’m over it now,” he cuts across him, shaking his head and clutching his shirt tightly. “I’m all better now, okay? Because of the things you said. Just… let’s just finish.”

Donghyuck is not convinced and he has a feeling Renjun had left out the worse details in his side of the story, probably because he’d known Donghyuck would not hesitate to protect him. There’s no way he’s letting them off. Tomorrow, he decides, he’s going to talk to their manager to arrange his schedule.

“Last one,” Renjun presses on then, sounding unnerved by his silence. “I’m getting you off the hook this early, make it count.”

Donghyuck doesn’t want to change the topic so easily. He’d wondered whether something had happened for this sudden insecurity to come about, but he’d never expected something this terrible, and all he wants to do now is to have a word with Renjun’s relatives and hold his boyfriend until he falls asleep.

But Renjun looks up at him expectantly, and he runs a hand down his face.

“Fine,” he sighs, giving in for now because that’s what his boyfriend wants. But it’s far from the last time he would bring it up, of that he’s certain.

“Make it good,” Renjun requests, smiling again. It’s one of his more loving smiles, wide enough that it causes wrinkles around his eyes, and Donghyuck wonders how anyone could have the heart to say such cruel things to him.

He mulls over it for a moment, wanting to think of the perfect last reason. It feels even more important than starting their little game on a good note, so he carefully considers his words before finally the decision comes easily.

“I love you,” he says, his voice gentle, “because sometimes you’re so clingy that it’s annoying, and sometimes you need me to list off reasons out of the blue to be sure I love you, but you’re never not sure that you love me. And… until now I don’t know how I got to be so lucky to have you here with me.”

Briefly, through the haze of Renjun’s lips all over his face, he muses that he should have mentioned loving his kisses, too.


End file.
